The Boy Inside

The yearning to connect
All I ever wanted is
Acknowledgment and acceptance
I can barely contain it
These thoughts of mine
 
What you’ll find is
A scared boy inside
Afraid to step out into the world
His mind and experiences enslave him
Shackles him to one spot
A place deep inside
Where no one will see
 
Till one day, he turns a man
And breaks the chains
Freedom he sees
It is in his grasp
But yet he is never free
For the Shadow of the past
Blocks the light
So that he is forever
One step behind.

P.S. I am trying to self-host, I hope it's not an inconvenience.

Our Nature

Men are all equal
What a childish ideal
The eternal sin man has committed
Onto himself, across all generations
The reverberating effects
Of the injustice suffered

Evident all around
No matter the era
No matter the region
This inescapable rule
The undeniable truth
That still persists
We are not equal
Once separated by race
Then by Opulence
Now by intellect

We strive to achieve
Attain what is not ours
For throughput is low
And reserved for the few
But desire propels us
Towards a life of green

It is natural
And now our nature
A nature that has brought forth
Primitive and vicious minds
Constantly conflating
Survival with prosperity
Undermining humanity, and
Degrading ourselves.

Who am I?

Who am I? This is a question that probably everyone has asked themselves. As simple a question it may be, it is one that promotes high levels of introspection, reflection, and contemplation. It is a question that spans one’s entire lifetime.

I am a natural introvert and struggle with the task of defining and being comfortable with myself. Perhaps a commonly perceived negative trait of introverts is excessive self-doubt and insecurities. I can attest to the hampering effects of these traits, and while they can be suppressed or lessened with deliberate attempts and exposure, it never really goes away. I am by nature quite bashful, but for a moment i.e. in my job, with deliberate and prolonged exposure, I have learned how to put on a mask; a persona of a confident professional. In this instance, I am everything I thought I couldn’t be, everything I could never see myself becoming. I appear smart, confident, humorous and in control, when the truth is, I have doubts almost before every professional interaction and dwell on any mistakes afterward.

I would never even compare my casual self with my professional self; two complete opposites. Once I am out of that professional mode, I struggle with the most basics of interactions, for example, simply buying something at the store seems like a monumental task, just the thought of interacting with the cashier requires some self-convincing. Don’t get me wrong, the exposure that I have gained has helped me overall to become a more confident person, but I find that instinctively, I withdraw into my shell in social events, maybe that is due to a lifetime of being socially inept. This is what I believed was the case and also that it was a shortcoming of mine. But people have different personalities, and introverts and extroverts are wired differently.

Nothing is wrong with being introverted, but at times society makes it seems as though there is, that something is wrong with the way you are, that you should change yourself. This may lead to feelings of inadequacy, discomfort, and unhappiness. It may make you wish you were someone else so you wouldn’t have to go through these feelings. You wouldn’t have to worry about consistently being judged and deemed antisocial. You wouldn’t have to have this negative perception of yourself, that you are relatively insignificant and not deserving of the wonderful things life has to offer.

While I have come to acknowledge my self-worth, I still find myself engaging in self-doubt whenever I am with people I consider my equals or greater. Maybe it is natural, but I often wonder how these persons can speak so freely and with such conviction; no fear of saying something stupid or no care if they do. It seems almost impossible for me to do that, but we are all different and they may be wondering how the hell ‘we introverts’ can keep our mouths shut for so long. Sometimes it seems we are on two different plains, my plain is mental; emphasized by thinking and rethinking thoughts, questioning the surroundings and trying to interpret this physical world abstractly.

You are who you are, and that is okay. Maybe you aren’t that confident person who excels in social situations, maybe you aren’t the most talented, maybe you aren’t wealthy, but don’t let that limit you. You are not your experiences, you were not born with an identity, it is society and the environments that have molded and influenced your definition of yourself. It means then that you can redefine your self-image, it is not immutable, we all have room to grow and change but we often fight against ourselves and deny our potential. It is up to you to uplift yourself, and it starts by accepting who you are.

The Boy Inside

The yearning to connect
All I ever wanted is
Acknowledgment and acceptance
I can barely contain it
These thoughts of mine
 
What you’ll find is
A scared boy inside
Afraid to step out into the world
His mind and experiences enslave him
Shackles him to one spot
A place deep inside
Where no one will see
 
Till one day, he turns a man
And breaks the chains
Freedom he sees
It is in his grasp
But yet he is never free
For the Shadow of the past
Blocks the light
So that he is forever
One step behind.

Down Days

Sometimes life seems like it isn’t worth living
And at that moment
All memories of joy and pleasure dissipate
But the hope of being with someone you love
Is all there is to hold on to
It’s just enough, on a bleak day
To let a glimmer of light through

It’s the down days that make me appreciative
Of the hope we have
The happiness we’ve shared
Those unforgettable moments
Where the world halted
And time ceased to exist
To allow our dreams to be real

But then the world begins to spin again
And the down days come
Even though I know those days
Wouldn’t be down if you were beside me
But since you’re not, I just have to hold on
Hold on to the hope of being with the one I love.

The Ungifted

The notion that we can become anything we want is a falsehood told to children to make the multitude of possibilities in life seem attainable. As innocuous as it may seem, we know this isn’t true and it is an idea that reality will demolish. Not everyone will have the financial support or the talent/skill to pursue their desired profession. Some persons are born with special gifts that seem to carve a destined legacy, but what if you are one of the ungifted?

I often envy people with extraordinary abilities; like why couldn’t I have been born with an insane IQ or be the fastest man on earth, or the best singer on the planet. Ultimately, such thoughts are futile and won’t change the fact that you cannot determine what life gives you. The harsh reality is that everyone cannot live a glamorous, glorified and celebrated life. Many do not possess exceptional talent or intellect.

However, it doesn’t mean that your story isn’t worthwhile or interesting. Think of each persons’ life as a form of art, we may start with the same canvas but we all are given different backgrounds, colours, hues, and shades to paint with. Nobody’s life is identical. Your story is unique; the combination of thoughts and experiences are not the same as anyone else’s. This article, for example, has never been written before.

I consider myself one of the ungifted, that is, I do not possess magnetic charisma, nor can I split atoms with brain power, nor am I a genetic freak, but does it matter? What should matter is how you choose to live your life and what legacy you want to leave behind. Yes, others may have a bigger platform and have a story that will permeate throughout history but you also have a story, why not tell it?

Passage of Life

Time is in such abundance that it never ends
Yet it feels like there is so little
In the past, the future looked so distant
So far away that everything seemed blurry
The closer you approach
The more the seemingly amorphous objects gain shape
As a child, you approached at a sauntering pace
But with the shove from a phantom hand
That slow pace soon turns into a maddening dash

What once was well out of sight
Now is right in front of you
With a glance behind
You realize how far you’ve travelled
So that what once had meaning
Now is distant and detached

You stand in the present
The open space once occupied
Has shrunken, gradually
But in youth, you do not notice
Until suddenly, one day, you realize
How narrow the path has become

You’ve reached the limits of the land behind
But a large ocean is in front
Separating you from the vast landmass on the other side
You must cross
But the infinite has become finite

Now the gravity of the situation sinks in
You are no longer a child
For children run freely in the open plain
Going wherever the mood takes
But adults must traverse the isthmus
With heavy waves crashing from all directions
The phantom hand now pushes you to your knees
So that you crawl…
You must crawl….
For the ocean is unforgiving
Lose your footing and you will surely drown.

The One True Path





 Yet another day passes by
But I am nowhere closer to my goals
For I am trapped in a delusional state
 
A self-induced trap
Promise after promise
Yet I always disappoint
I am holding myself captive
A prison within
 
I dig and dig
But the tunnels are winding
Making me out a fool
For I feel I have made it so far through this maze
The darkness begins to illuminate
Only to start a new
 
I deceive myself into thinking tomorrow will be the day
When I finally emerge from beneath
But tomorrow always has its own tomorrow
Daily the hope is renewed
But always accompanied by disgust and anguish
For I despise my inability to escape this maze
For I know deep within all it requires is a singular focus
But like a child I fawn over every glittering object along the way
So that I forget my path
 
And I walk and walk
Turn after turn
All the dis-tractors I choose
Path after path
But that one true path
The solution to this maze
Forever eludes me.